Charlemagne Norris

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Background

Charlemagne (called "Charles" by his close students - he has another name when he's in the future, though) is the lead monk of the Temple of Heironeous. Though he is extremely hardcore, his duties as "lead" monk are few, since the goal of monks is self-perfection and they don't really form an organized body. Rather, his role is as a protector, inspirer, tutor, and sparring partner for all the Monks (and any Cleric or Paladin who wants to get their ass completely laid out on the floor).

• Age: older than j00, even j00 3LvE5. He looks to be around 35 or 40, though.
• Birthdate: Unknown
• Sign: Fists
• Height: 6'2"
• Weight: whatever he wants, usually around 1 - 5,000 pounds
• Sex: Male ^ 2
• Race: Human
• Hair: Dark Blond
• Eyes: Blue
• Alignment: Lawful God
• Deity: Does he really need one?
• Primary Weapon(s): Fists + feet, hardcoritude, beef jerky
• Armor: Iron Body Hair technique, Aura of Awesome
• Outlook: "BOOYA!"

Story

Few know where Charlemagne came from. Though he claims to be "human", many say that he was conceived when the Tarrasque raped a Balor, and while the Balor was pregnant she got transformed into a block of granite by then-human-epic-level-wizard Victor von Phthonkenhausen. Over thousands of years this block of granite was weathered away until it formed the image of a man. For hundreds more years the image sat there, until an unlucky soul happened to snap into a Slim Jim at the wrong time. Charlemagne was awaked.

He supposedly appeared in the temple one day and began meditating and breaking stones with puffs of air from his nose. Every time someone went up to him to ask him what he was doing, they got their ass totally handed to them. Eventually Father Michaelis and the other church officials decided to appoint him "Lead Monk" and build a division of the Temple around him because no one wanted to harm Heironeous' faith by getting their ass totally kicked. They had an initiation ceremony, attended by all the Paladins and Clerics at that Temple. Upon receiving his title, Charlemagne shouted "booya!" About one-third of the Temple's staff had to go on maternity leave after this.

They built the Temple's North Wing around him while he sat meditating and practicing his moves. However, when the paper blueprints got too close to his chamber, they mysteriously incinerated, and so the North Wing was built in a very confusing fashion, with the builders doing all sorts of stupid shit like nailing doors to blank walls, etc. To this day, he remains there, except for the rare occasion when Michaelis calls him out to do some task, in exchange for a steady supply of +5 holy beef jerky.

Facts

• No one can truly say that Charlemagne is a good fighter. Nobody's ever seen his body move during battles he's participated in.
• One morning, Charlemagne was practicing his kicks in the garden. His foot accidentally broke the speed of light and went back in time, killing an emperor, and splitting the Old Empire into the kingdoms we know today: Juno, Drakenheim, Alizarin, and some loser landlocked nation to the east.
• About 1,000 years after Juno city's founding, the civilians of the city realized there was no steady supply of water running through the city, like a river, and they slapped themselves silly because they wondered how they were supposed to maintain their status as "major city" without any kind of proper sea trade. Come to think of it, they were pretty damn dehydrated as well. Charlemagne responded by headbutting the ground in seven places, and to this day they are the Seven Fountains of Juno, wonderous holes in the earth that miraculously gush water nonstop.
• Charlemagne doesn't need to eat, sleep, drink, breath or blink. He does, however, need to heed the call of nature every now and then, something he's working on rectifying.
• Charlemagne engaged in a staring contest with Dragonclaw Mountain... and won.
• Helga once challenged Charlemagne to free-for-all combat. Charlemagne uppercut her so hard that all her armor and clothing flew off and she went into space. He then went into space and punched her back down. On the way back down he recollected her clothes, dressed her, and prevented her from burning up in re-entry. He then fell faster back to earth and caught her. Funny thing is, it all happened so fast that no one actually saw it. All they saw was that Charlemagne was suddenly holding limp Helga in his arms, and so rumors persist to this day that they have a "thing" going.
• Since it's illegal to play catch with oneself using cavalry horses, Charlemagne developed a new training method in which he crushes cinderblocks with his eyelids. That is, until this became to easy for him and he started depleting the town's anvil supply.
• Charlemagne is a sword swallower, unlike all those pansy circus boys who claim to "swallow" them, when really they're just deepthroating them.
• Charlemagne doesn't need Bardic Music. His Aura of Awesome is rumored to make demons faint, walls melt, and beavers explode when he approaches.
• Charlemagne doesn't wear a raincoat. The rain goes around him because it fears for its life.
• Likewise, he doesn't really need a boat, snowshovel, or mining pick, for the same reason.
• One time Helga tried to test her greatsword on Charlemagne with his consent. She initiated a Power Attack, but her sword was badly dented by Charlemagne's rectus abdominus... and it wasn't even flexed.
• Charlemagne can shave his head... with his own teeth.
• Charlemagne doesn't Push It to the Limit. The Limit Pushes It to Him.
• Likewise, the Limit opens itself up when he approaches, and shakes his hand and says "welcome!" upon his arrival. Also, this man greets him with pretzels and beer.
• When Charlemagne travels through time, his safety is guaranteed.
• Not only is Charlemagne the man now dog, but he has also punches the keys for his own sake.
• Charlemagne did a cross-universe, trans-temporal teleporation to kill people making stupid YTMND references. Oh God...